I'm bisexual and polyamorous, but only want to date women. Is that okay?
There’s a difference between a choice and a rule. Here’s why it’s important to process it anyway.
Q:
Hi Melissa! I’m wondering about your advice on how to navigate this: I’m a queer woman in a relationship with a man, and we are non-monogamous. I’m only interested in dating women right now, the major reason being that I want to pursue feeling fully expressed in the most authentic version of myself, including in my queer identity. At the end of the day, I don’t want to date men; I’m not interested. Is that okay?
A:
This is a question that comes up a lot in non-monogamous circles of folks who are trying to move through their non-monogamy as ethically as possible: Obviously, one partner placing restrictions on the other in who they’re allowed to date is a red flag.
But what about when your own personal desire to only date women just so happens to align with acquiescing to your partner’s insecurities about your dating men? Then what?
First and foremost, if you’re struggling with this question, with partners projecting their own boundaries onto you, with queer dating and/or non-monogamy as a whole, I would love nothing more than to process this with you one-on-one. And ‘tis the season! December and January are the busiest months for me, in terms of folks reaching out about coaching. Get ahead of the crowd and send an inquiry now:
So here’s my short answer: Yes. Of course this is okay. You’re allowed to date in whatever ways feel safe and comfortable and exciting and fulfilling to you.
AND. I think it’s important to process the issues surrounding this choice.
Here’s what I mean:
To start, of course there’s a big difference between This is what I want and This is a rule someone else is governing.
Sometimes (particularly cis straight male) partners will insist on something called a one-penis policy (OPP). This is when a partner creates a parameter wherein the only penis you’re allowed to interact with is his. This is inherently transphobic; it’s also often misogynistic, lesbophobic, and biphobic as well.
When your partner’s discomfort is the driving force in who you’re "allowed" to date, I'd say there's some serious work to do. Because this kind of limitation is unacceptable.
If you, personally, are only interested in dating women, and if your partner is open to the idea of you dating men (and this can be with the acknowledgment that this might be harder for him!), I don't see a problem here.
But it might be worth his (and even your!) doing the work anyway, even if your dating men will never be on the table: In what ways do women feel less threatening to your partner – and to your relationship as a whole? And where do these ideas come from? (Hint: It’s oppression!)
Something I see come up in these dynamics, particularly when the man in the situation hasn't really unpacked his patriarchal conditioning around sapphic relationships, is that the man can suddenly become very insecure and jealous when feelings develop between his partner and another woman.
The thinking tends to go, "Sure! It makes sense that you want to date women. There are things that I, as a man, can't offer you that a woman can. And I want you to feel full expressed in your queerness." (It helps that sapphic relationships are oppressed under cisheteropatriarchy in such a way that men feel [1] entitled to them and [2] inherently prioritized over them.)
But then when he sees that women can, indeed, offer a lot more than, simply, a different body, he can become surprised and terrified by that.
So even if you only plan to date women for the rest of your life, it’s worth unpacking your and your partner’s comfort with this over other arrangements – so that even your connections with women can go more smoothly!
Another important question to ask here is this: Are you practicing non-monogamy because you are drawn to non-monogamy itself? Or are you practicing non-monogamy to get a need met?
Yes, non-monogamy is an awesome way to explore connections with different people, including various genders, and that is a valid choice! I also think that if everyone involved isn't committed to the values of non-monogamy on its own, a lot of problems can arise – because there's no real buy-in for the non-monogamy itself. So when difficulties inevitably arise, they’re harder to work through.
Ask yourself and your partner: How committed are we to non-monogamy? What drives us toward non-monogamy? Which values of ours are in line with non-monogamy?
Here’s the awesome thing: You're in the majority. From my experience, I'd say that many, if not most, bisexual women who are practicing non-monogamy are doing so in this arrangement. So there can be a lot of understanding from folks you might date; indeed, many of them may be in similar situations.
It is important to make sure that the women you date can opt in to your dynamic and what you're offering.
I don't think there are "right" or "wrong" ways to practice non-monogamy (more and less ethical, sure); I think we have to trust other adults to decide what works for them and what doesn't. And in order for others to stand solidly in their autonomy, you have to be clear, direct, and honest about your situation.
And that’s a lot easier to do when you, yourself, are fully agreeing to and excited about the non-monogamous arrangement you have.
Want to talk about this more? I’m here for you! Schedule a 20-minute discovery call here, and we can chat about your goals and how I might be able to help.
Love,
Melissa