I believe in accountability. But how do I do it?
How our shame spirals keep us from doing the right thing.
Q:
Dear Melissa, I love the idea of showing up more accountably in my interpersonal connections: apologizing for my mistakes, addressing conflict head-on, more clearly stating my needs and boundaries, and so on. But I have no clue how to access that level of vulnerability. What has this process been like for you? What am I missing?
A:
Accountability is something that sounds easy – how hard is it to say I’m sorry, really? – but is actually incredibly difficult: because we’ve been brought up in a carceral society that teaches us to conflate accountability with punishment.
In a culture where we criminalize wrongdoing and use the prison system to gain
”justice” for these wrongs; where, from childhood, we’re taught that if we make a mistake, we’ll be “in trouble” (all too often resulting in emotional and physical abuse); where we believe that only a person losing access to their safety, community, and dignity is an acceptable form of accountability, we are terrified of admitting that we’re wrong.
The inescapable truth is this: Connection comes with conflict. We will all hurt – and even harm – others in our relationships.
And if we don’t engage in accountability work, our relationships will fracture under the weight of our irresponsibility. Often, it isn’t the hurtful event itself that makes a difference, but how it’s responded to. And without the skills to respond, we tend to avoid conflict – and lose connection.
If this is something you find yourself struggling with, I’d love to work on it together! My one-on-one coaching work is a politicized version of relationship coaching, wherein we consider how to better live out your social justice values. Get on my schedule before the New Year rush by sending an inquiry here:
I’m someone who’s had a really hard time with vulnerability. Historically, it’s terrified me – that level of letting people see me, open and raw. I’ve been actively working on it for five years, and while it comes more easily now (perhaps too easily—I’m always crying), I still don’t find it fun. I still kind of hate it.
But I had a therapist once who put it this way: “Can we really have intimacy without vulnerability?” And I think accountability is a perfect example: Can we really have deep, lasting connection without conflict resolution?
The answer, of course, is no.
But what is it that makes accountability so damn hard?
Arguably, I’d say it’s shame.
There is a group of emotions that I find people have an incredibly hard time connecting to and sitting in: guilt, regret, and shame among them. Most of us don’t have the healthiest, safest ways to move through those emotions, and so we push them away when they bubble up.
But if we’ve hurt someone, we should feel guilt, regret, and shame. Those emotions have a purpose. They feel bad because they’re trying to teach us something: that if we don’t want to feel this way again, we better improve this behavior!
So what are some resources that have helped me, personally, grapple with this? Oh, I would love to share.
1. Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a form of therapy used to help clients gain acceptance around complicated situations. Originally developed to help folks with borderline personality disorder (BPD), DBT is now commonly understood to be a useful for tool for—well—anyone!
To be clear, I’ve never seen a DBT therapist; however, I have used a DBT workbook. Divided into several core concepts – mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness – these workbooks can help you learn skills for staying in the present moment, better understanding your emotional experience, and communicating more kindly and effectively.
Here is a copy of the workbook I’ve used.
2. Accountability Mapping
I have a somatic coach who specializes in accountability. Using various frameworks – including generative somatics, transformative justice, and qi gong – Daria Garina teaches folks accountability skills through the body.
I cannot recommend his work enough; it has absolutely changed my life.
In addition to the one-on-one work that he offers, he’s also created several brilliant resources that I find really useful. Specifically, I’ve found his work on what he calls “centered accountability” very resonant.
You can learn more about that on his Instagram page, here.
The general idea is that we tend to be either overaccountable (taking on the other person’s work, as well as our own) or underaccountable (refusing to take responsibility for our role in conflict) – and neither of these extremes is helpful.
Instead, we have to learn to come to the middle.
3. The Art of Showing Up
This book, by Rachel Wilkerson Miller, takes a look at how we can be the best friends and community members we can be – first, by better understanding ourselves.
It covers everything from understanding our needs and communicating our boundaries to asking for help and supporting others when they need it.
If you’re the kind of person who bemoans the difficulty of making (and keeping!) friends in adulthood, I highly recommend this book.
Designed similarly to a workbook, The Art of Showing Up may be best read with a stack of post-it notes next to you (at least, this is how I read it), so that you can actively reflect on the prompts that she offers.
4. Genuine Apologies
In late 2019, disability justice activist Mia Mingus wrote this blog post: “The Four Parts of Accountability and How to Give a Genuine Apology.” And it has (rightfully so!) made the rounds in social justice circles ever since.
Mingus explains that in order to do appropriate and effective accountability work, we absolutely need to learn the art of making an authentic apology, made up of self-reflection, the apology itself, repair, and changed behavior.
The idea here is that we know when an apology feels bad (“I’m sorry you feel that way”), but what makes an apology good? Her suggestions are a fantastic place to start.
There are so many more resources that have been helpful for me on this journey, but these four are what came to mind immediately. Remember that these are only a start to the life-long process of unlearning our deepest shames.
But I hope this helps.
Love,
Melissa